Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
