Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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