Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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