i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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