Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
