Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
