we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
