i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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