Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
