We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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