All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
