they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
