soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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