We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
