I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
