he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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