Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
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