I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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