Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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