What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
its not stalking. its research.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
