When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
