We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
