I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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