At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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