I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
