I got chris browned last night
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Blood and glitter go together right?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
