My friends, they love my intelligence
if i can run in heels then i can drive
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
then he tried to convert me to islam
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
