Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
