im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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