i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
