I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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