Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
