Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
