I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
