Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
