If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
