Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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