The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Randomize
