I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
