that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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