it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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