In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
