made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
