i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
