She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
