Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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