you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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