I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
