I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
