im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
