my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
