Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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