Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
