Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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