Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Alive.
So much puke
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
