my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
