Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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