god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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