I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
