I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
