He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
