it was like his penis was on wheels.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
