onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize