Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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